Man Organizes Desk and Dies

by Vincent Borgese

Irvington, New York — Michael Soriano, a newspaper and magazine hoarder since 1977, was found dead in his home office today of an apparent heart attack. Mr. Soriano had recently undertaken a cleaning binge after receiving three books on the topic of clutter from his wife and two daughters for Christmas. “He hated to throw things out,” claimed his wife of 29 years, Angie. “He kept old New York Times newspapers and New Yorker magazines dating back to 1977. I knew this was going to be a problem when we started dating, but I guess love is blind. Plus, every now and then, I needed to look up a recipe.”

Mr. Soriano, a retired rep for the Frito Lay division of Pepsi, would often tell his wife he found quiet comfort in the stacks and stacks of periodicals littering his office. However, unlike most office hoarders, he didn’t know where anything was. It would often take him hours to locate his pen or checkbook, and he once lost a Dell laptop amid the clutter that, as of this writing, has yet to be found. Aside from a slight rash on his face and lower back due to dust mites, he was in good health. An autopsy will be performed to rule out foul play, as well as any brain abnormalities which may have caused his penchant for chaos.

“I can’t stop blaming myself,” said his wife while tearing up. “I think the stress of having a clean office was just too much for him.” If you or someone you know is suffering from decluttering-related anxiety, please call 1-800-FOUNDIT and a professional counselor will be there to help. “I miss him already,” continued his wife, “but you have to admit — the room looks great!”