Humor | An Old Dog's Eye

January 16, 2023

Comfort Dog Sues Owner in Landmark Case

Portland, Oregon — On Tuesday, February 7th, the Multnomah County Courthouse will be the stage for the first suit brought by an emotional support animal against its owner. Puddles, comfort dog of Virginia Obermeyer of Portland, will bring suit against his owner for cruel and unusual punishment challenging his rights as a comfort dog. Court documents show Puddles was forced to fly against his will and made to sleep on the bacteria-ladened floor of a Boeing 737 at his owner’s feet while being denied use of a restroom on a seven-hour flight. Attorneys from PETA, representing all emotional support animals, will argue that a comfort animal has the Right of First Refusal, and cannot be forced to accompany its owner without prior written consent of the animal.

“I have issues of my own,” chided Puddles, “but it seems my own needs take a backseat when it comes to my physical and mental well-being in favor of Ms. Obermeyer’s.” Pausing for a bit to scratch behind his ear, he continued, “To be brutally honest, the woman smells like onions and alcohol 24/7, smokes like a chimney, and feeds me a daily diet of Cheetos in beef broth.” Attorney Sheryl Katz, of the firm Katz, Katz, and More Katz, will be representing Ms. Obermeyer and refused to comment at this stage in the trial.

If the court rules in favor of Puddles, PETA will be on its way to establishing a landmark case that could, one day, make it all the way to the Supreme Court. “It’s not about the money,” said Puddles, this time taking a moment to lick his genital area, “it’s about providing a level of dignity and respect for all comfort animals.” A solemn look overcame him. “Listen, I’m considered a large breed. I have, at best, five or six years left on this earth before I’m taken on a one-way trip to the vet’s office. I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for all comfort animals: the dogs, the birds, the rabbits — and yes — even the cats. If that makes me a — quote/unquote — ‘bad dog,’ then so be it.”

January 9, 2023

Speaker of the House Finally Wins Birthday Gifts

Bakersfield, California — In a contentious battle that lasted four days and took 15 individual votes, new Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy, will be on the receiving end of birthday presents come January 26th. In a two-to-one majority, Congressman McCarthy’s family voted in favor of giving him birthday presents for his 58th birthday. The one holdout was son Connor, who was negotiating for a new Mustang GT. Daughter Meghan was won over late Friday evening with an all-expense paid trip to Cabo on a private jet. Wife Judy, a staunch supporter from the beginning, was by his side to share the good news.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am,” said the Speaker. “I believe in the process, and this will only make me govern better both as a father and a husband.” When asked what he was hoping for as a present, he humbly replied, “Peace in Ukraine,” then, in a pensive gaze, continued “or a pimp pad in D.C..” He then made sure those present knew he was only kidding about Ukraine. “There’s nothing more important than family,” he said, as a tear slowly fell to his cheek, “which is why I insist they stay in Bakersfield while I do the work I was called to do in Washington.”

Retiring Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, will be featured in an upcoming television commercial for Home Depot alongside husband Paul promoting a new line of ball-peen hammers for the chain (of which he holds stock — full disclosure). And it’s rumored Minority Leader of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, may (or may not) be pardoned by President Biden as 2023’s Thanksgiving turkey.

January 6, 2023

Man Organizes Desk and Dies

Irvington, New York — Michael Soriano, a newspaper and magazine hoarder since 1977, was found dead in his home office today of an apparent heart attack. Mr. Soriano had recently undertaken a cleaning binge after receiving three books on the topic of clutter from his wife and two daughters for Christmas. “He hated to throw things out,” claimed his wife of 29 years, Angie. “He kept old New York Times newspapers and New Yorker magazines dating back to 1977. I knew this was going to be a problem when we started dating, but I guess love is blind. Plus, every now and then, I needed to look up a recipe.”

Mr. Soriano, a retired rep for the Frito Lay division of Pepsi, would often tell his wife he found quiet comfort in the stacks and stacks of periodicals littering his office. However, unlike most office hoarders, he didn’t know where anything was. It would often take him hours to locate his pen or checkbook, and he once lost a Dell laptop amid the clutter that, as of this writing, has yet to be found. Aside from a slight rash on his face and lower back due to dust mites, he was in good health. An autopsy will be performed to rule out foul play, as well as any brain abnormalities which may have caused his penchant for chaos.

“I can’t stop blaming myself,” said his wife while tearing up. “I think the stress of having a clean office was just too much for him.” If you or someone you know is suffering from decluttering-related anxiety, please call 1-800-FOUNDIT and a professional counselor will be there to help. “I miss him already,” continued his wife, “but you have to admit — the room looks great!”