Speaker of the House Finally Wins Birthday Gifts

Bakersfield, California — In a contentious battle that lasted four days and took 15 individual votes, new Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy, will be on the receiving end of birthday presents come January 26th. In a two-to-one majority, Congressman McCarthy’s family voted in favor of giving him birthday presents for his 58th birthday. The one holdout was son Connor, who was negotiating for a new Mustang GT. Daughter Meghan was won over late Friday evening with an all-expense paid trip to Cabo on a private jet. Wife Judy, a staunch supporter from the beginning, was by his side to share the good news.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am,” said the Speaker. “I believe in the process, and this will only make me govern better both as a father and a husband.” When asked what he was hoping for as a present, he humbly replied, “Peace in Ukraine,” then, in a pensive gaze, continued “or a pimp pad in D.C..” He then made sure those present knew he was only kidding about Ukraine. “There’s nothing more important than family,” he said, as a tear slowly fell to his cheek, “which is why I insist they stay in Bakersfield while I do the work I was called to do in Washington.”

Retiring Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, will be featured in an upcoming television commercial for Home Depot alongside husband Paul promoting a new line of ball-peen hammers for the chain (of which he holds stock — full disclosure). And it’s rumored Minority Leader of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, may (or may not) be pardoned by President Biden as 2023’s Thanksgiving turkey.