Washington, DC — In a stunning reversal of policy, House and Senate Republicans voted today to enhance sanctuary city status to now include all members of Congress. Heretofore, if a member of Congress were stopped by police, he or she would have to hand over ID, and the press would note their party affiliation. This will no longer be required or allowed, giving members the freedom to commit a myriad of crimes and misdemeanors without consequence.
House Speaker, Paul Ryan, proclaimed the vote a major step in removing any and all accountability for House members. “It’s not like we’ll be out there pillaging the public trust fund,” he stated. “We can do that without even leaving the Capitol building.” Democrats are also on board with the new sanctuary policy for Congress, claiming elected officials should have rights not afforded its citizenry. As Senator Chuck Schumer of New York put it, “Our health plans are better, our pensions are better, we’re privy to policy changes before they hit the stock market, and we have no term limits — why the hell would we want to fuck that up.”