Ad Exec Can’t Remember if He Flossed This Morning

by Vincent Borgese

Greenwich, CT — In a rush to make an early morning presentation, Jim Meyers, an advertising executive with the firm BBD&G, can’t recall if he flossed. The Tostito account is my baby, he thought while running to catch his train to Manhattan, and I can’t afford to lose it over bad breath.

Fellow passengers on the Metro North commuter train to Grand Central Station seemed wary of the Connecticut man as he excused himself past passengers on the 6:40 a.m. express holding a cupped palm over his mouth. To make matters worse, he hadn’t cleaned — what his wife endearingly calls — his shit pocket in over a week. For years he’s struggled to cleanse this tiny flesh cavity at the rear of his throat known to harbor traces of repasts from as long ago as a month. Imagine not emptying your garbage pail for four weeks, he thought, then opening the lid — that’s my breath, except now it’s coming at you with a moistened flow of warm stink.

Fortunately for Jim, today’s presentation was for the new Garlic Ranch Tostitos, which he cleverly consumed with reckless abandon prior to entering the meeting with account reps from Pepsi. In an effort to show how much he loved their new product, he continued to consume the chips throughout his presentation, hoping to blame the putrescent odors emanating from his mouth on the hydrated garlic used in the Tostitos. His presumed love of the product, along with the headline, “It’s a Dip in a Chip,” bowled them over. So much so, he got first crack at their new flavor — soy ginger. Bad breath and all, Jim would go on to win a Clio for the print campaign and — as luck would have it — also win the Funyuns account for his firm.