Three Useless Things I Learned Last Week

by Vincent Borgese

One of the joys and perils of the internet is information overload. Along with all the important stuff — be it disasters, politics, business, etc. — comes a myriad of useless information. I’d like to highlight three items last week that mean absolutely nothing to me, and I hope they mean absolutely nothing to you, too:

  1. Coconut oil is no better nor worse for you than butter. Really? Who even uses coconut oil? I get all the coconut I need from Mounds bars and pina coladas, thank you. Remember, Julia Child loved butter and she lived to a ripe old age of 91. The trend in this case is not your friend — more like an annoying relative.
  2. The dad bod is preferred by most women. Listen, damn it, I got my dad bod by being, well, a dad. A lot of time and expense went into this paunch, and I don’t want some millennial gamer reaping the rewards we dads worked so hard to achieve. You think eating chips on a couch while watching the same damn Disney movie with your kid for the seventeenth time is easy? And let’s face it, if you have a dad bod at twenty-two, chances are you’ll look more like Michael Moore than Leonardo DiCaprio at fifty-two.
  3. If you die alone in a house with animals, your dog is the most likely candidate to eat you. The study found dogs left indoors with their dead owners will begin eating the face, even when other food is available. It starts with a little licking, proceeds with a nibble or two, and the next thing you know your nose is a human canape. Yet, dogs in the wild will go straight for the stomach for that nutritious organ meat. Man’s best friend my ass.