All Candidates Drop Out of 2016 Presidential Race — Obama Asked to Hang Around a Bit

by Vincent Borgese

In a stunning announcement only a week after the New York primaries, all presidential candidates — except John Kasich — dropped out of the 2016 race. The GOP and DNC are in shock at the sudden coordinated decision by Clinton, Trump, Sanders, and Cruz to simply drop out. In a release sent only to the Associated Press, the headline read, “Hey, we’ve got better things to do with our time.” When asked to comment on the mass defection, John Kasich could only say, “Obviously, my one-state win proves I’m the most electable candidate.”

The candidates were asked one-by-one what drove them to such a rash decision. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren and, quite frankly, keep an eye on Bill. “I need the Presidency like I need a new pantsuit,” she remarked, followed by a loud cackle that cracked the camera lens of a nearby CNN crew. Later that evening on Fox’s Bill O’Reilly Show, Trump was asked the same question. “Bill,” he said, “you may or may not know I’m rich. I’m very, very rich — like billions, Bill. I just wanted to prove some people other than my family and employees like me. What I found was they love me big time. Really, really love me.” When questioned by O’Reilly about all the protest movements against his candidacy, he simply declared he wasn’t aware of any protests, and blamed any negative publicity on the liberal media. “Look Bill, I’ve got billions, a beautiful young wife with a sexy, albeit,  annoying accent, and great kids. Why the hell would I want to move into a smaller house in a so-so neighborhood and be surrounded by idiots who can’t make deals. Tell me Bill, why?” O’Reilly said he was up against a hard break, and went to commercial.

The Bern, with his new hipster following, planned to get a one-bedroom coop in the DUMBO section of Brooklyn as a layover between Washington and Vermont. “I just wanted to get my message out to the masses,” he told a New York One reporter, “so my fellow comrades ……. I mean, constituents could see a revolution, not an election, is the only way we can change Washington.” He then headed off in a stretch Mercedes limo to a matinee showing of Hamilton. Back in his home state of Texas, Senator Cruz dodged reporters when asked for a comment. In a show of support for his staunch adherence to conservative values, neighbors hung a piñata in the image of Donald Trump from a tree in his backyard. An NBC drone caught him taking shots at the piñata in between sips of café cubano. Thankfully, his wife had left with the children moments before his return.

One thing both the DNC and GOP could agree on was Kasich was not the guy. In national polls both liberal and conservative, no one said they would vote for him. Not one person. Yes, they trusted him. Yes, they felt he was qualified. And yes, most agreed he was centrist enough to appeal to both the left and right. It was the pizza thing. Who in god’s name eats a slice of pizza with a knife and fork. ” You lose total respect for someone when you see that,” said Anthony Bracca, a machinist from Ohio. “I mean I voted for the guy when he ran for governor, but c’mon, a knife and fork? I can’t, I just can’t.” Mr. Bracca’s sentiment was echoed throughout the United States leaving both the DNC and GOP with no viable candidate. In a plea by both parties, President Obama was asked to hang around a bit while we figure this thing out.