Millions of Canadians Threaten to Move to U.S. if Trump Wins

by Vincent Borgese

In a move that sent a shiver down the spines of both President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau, millions of Canadians have threatened to leave the Great White North if Donald Trump becomes president. “What we don’t need are a lot of Hollywood types fucking up our solidly middle class existence,” said Oscar LeBlanc of Montreal. “I’ve worked too damn hard at not working too damn hard to have pill-popping, zumba-loving botoxers take over my city.” Mr. LeBlanc was reacting to recent declarations by many Hollywood celebrities that they would move to Canada if Trump were elected. Craig Jardot of Ottawa, an average looking man who has been a government employee for nearly 25 years (26 if you count the year he spent in a coma after a white birch branch clocked him on the head while he was trying to write his name in the snow by peeing in cursive with no hands), expressed fears of a Starbucks on every corner and $15 bagels. “A cousin of mine visited Los Angeles a few years back, and he paid $14.60 before tax and a schmear for a friggin’ bagel ………… a friggin’ bagel! And what the fuck is a schmear?”

President Obama expressed concern, saying “We are losing some of our most self-absorbed, redone citizens of immense creative talent. The world will be asking for Fast and Furious 12, and we will have to say no.” Prime Minister Trudeau expressed similar concerns, stating “We’re already losing our best and brightest to the U.S., now you want to take our bourgeoisie. Jamais, I say!” Border security has been tightened on both sides. On the Canadian side, they’re targeting expressionless faces carrying swag bags and reciting lines from upcoming Harvey Weinstein productions. “On the American side,” says Border Agent John Roberts, “we’re just looking for your typical middle-aged white guy or gal, average height, above average weight, searching for a sanctuary city somewhere in the states. They’re kind of tough to catch ’cause they look like everyone else around here.”

Mr. Trump, responding to a possible mass migration of Canadians across the U.S. border if he’s elected responded, “Hey, as long as they’re not Muslims. I mean, they gave us Neil Young, Jim Carrey, The Rock, for god’s sake.” When reminded they also gave us Ted Cruz, he said, “Most of them are liars and rapists, some are good, but if we want to make America great again, we’re going to have to build another wall. And you know who’s going to pay for that wall? Lorne Michaels a Canadian, that’s who, with all that SNL money he’s been taking from us because our politicians in the U.S. are stupid, and China and Russia are running rings around us, and that Iran deal …. I make great deals, that’s what I do, and I will get Lorne Michaels to write me a check or I’ll buy 30 Rock and shut him down. And I won’t use lobbyist money or taxpayer money to do it. I’ll use my own, because I’m rich. You can’t believe how rich I am, I mean, I thought I was rich, but even I didn’t know how rich I was until someone added my assets and liabilities and came up with a figure that even I couldn’t believe. I’m very rich, unbelievably rich, because I make great deals and, excuse me, excuse me, I’ve got billions, and you know how I got those billions? By making great deals, and  …………………”