How to Be a Motivational Speaker

by Vincent Borgese

Chris Farley - Motivational Speaker

So, you feel lost and drifting in your life. You find yourself surfing the channels from one get rich quick scheme to the other at three in the morning. Do you blow your life savings on a marketing from home idea, or would you rather buy abandoned real estate in Detroit and hope you live long enough to get your original investment back. If this is you, you don’t need a job or investments, you need to  M-O-T-I-V-A-T-E. No one knows what it’s like to be a slug more than you. What you need to do, my friend, is to release that inertia on the world and show them what failure really looks like.

I’m sure you’ve seen the cookie cutter types like Tony Robbins and Joel Osteen. Good looking, dynamic, with positive energy shooting out of every orifice. Let’s face it, that’s not you, and it never will be — so why even try. Remember, if you try and fail, you’re a Loser with a capital “L” — so why put yourself in that situation. Now, before you go all suicidal on me, think, and think hard. What qualities are you best known for? What  is it about you that really pisses people off. What makes them say just looking at that idiot makes me want to vomit. Good, I’m hope you’re writing it down because you, my friend, are on your way to M-O-T-I-V-A-T-E.

If you’re still with me at this point, you have the right tools — I just have to show you how to use them. You’re going to need a mirror — full length, if possible. If you don’t have one, the one on your medicine cabinet will do. Oh ………… do you have a toaster, aluminum foil, anything shiny for God’s sake. Okay then, grab a hairbrush or cucumber — either will do — and hold approximately six inches from your lips. It’s not what you’re thinking, but hey, your rent is due when? Only kidding. Now I want you to speak slowly and clearly, “Hello,  my name is (fill in the blank), and you sure as hell don’t want to be me.”

You see, I’ve read enough articles in Psychology Today to know the mind  is malleable and gooey, and responds to negative stimuli even more than positive. I remember reading one study out of Finland that used a control group of one hundred 18-year-old men. They were seperated into two groups of 50. They were asked to remove their pants and underwear, and told to wait with their hands by their sides After ten minutes, they were down to two groups of 30. Both groups were shown a buzzer and told to hit it whenever and as often as they wished. The first group had young women there to pleasure their privates when they pushed the buzzers. The second group were hard wired to car batteries, and also told to hit the buzzers whenever they wished — which was usually when the full current was conducting through their testicles. What the study showed was the group with the electrified pistachios were more likely to hit the buzzer with greater force and rapidity then the group being pleasured.

Get the picture? Just by being the pathetic slacker you are, you have the potential of motivating hundreds, if not, thousands not to follow your path. Until you get your feet wet, I would recommend not charging above $9.99 for a one-hour session. Check out where your local AA meeting is held (like you don’t know), and see if you can get a cheap rental for, say, a Monday evening or Tuesday afternoon. As you build your audience, you can gradually increase your rates and move from the Church basement to, perhaps, the back room at The Sons of Italy lodge. This CAN happen to you, my friend. And it won’t be long till you’re closing your shows with chants of: “My name is (audience fills in the blank), and I sure as hell don’t want to be him.”

Now go M-O-T-I-V-A-T-E!